Sweet Melissa

Friday Videos will not resign

Constant Readers,

Yesterday, I spoke at the City Club about local politics, state politics and general gossip. It was a blast and I met lots of great people. Many thanks to them for having me!

On to the fun!

One of my friends sent me this video. The accompanying note said "soundbite heaven" and I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean. Until I saw it. Here it is. Wow! It's a tragic story but I can't deny that the quotes are inadvertently hilarious.

In local politics, Scott Wiener announced his candidacy for District 8 Supervisor via YouTube. Nice! Here's the video!

So, Sarah Palin resigned from office because people were being mean to her and she's too much of a patriot to let that continue. Or something like that. Here are the guys from Red State update explaining this brilliance.

And on the subject of Palin, here's a really funny video envisioning an event planner truly angered at this development.

Hitler Finds Out Sarah Palin Resigns - watch more funny videos

Objections to the Iranian elections made widespread use of social networking. What if Ahmadinejad were tweeting too? Here's a look.

News from Iran : Ahmadinejad Tweets Back - watch more funny videos

On the non-political side, here are Match.com ads for the "parents" on John and Kate Plus 8.

Here's Kate:

Kate Gosselin Match.com Profile Video - watch more funny videos

And John.

Match.com-Jon Gosselin - watch more funny videos

You may have heard about this one. Musician goes on United Airlines and watches in horror from the window as the baggage handlers throw shit around, breaking his guitar. Though some folks at the airline admitted it was their fault, he wasn't able to get anyone to pay him for the damage. So he wrote a song that anyone who has been jerked around by an airline (read: everyone) can relate to.

And finally, a moment of wonderful to send you off into the weekend. My mother will love this one. It will remind her of the years she spent waking me up for school. I hereby apologize.

Have a great weekend!

--Melissa

Hogtied by The City’s set-asides

Mistermayor may not share the same orange complexion as our governor (who, let’s face it, now sports a hue somewhere between Irish setter and California poppy), but one important similarity between the two men is that they each are dealing with budgets that are hamstrung by well-meaning yet paralyzing voter-mandated set-asides.

As an aside: A set-aside is an amount of money or percentage of revenue that is legally required to be spent each year on a particular purpose.

“A $6.6 billion budget and we can’t afford nurses AND  police?” people rightfully lament. But we only have about $1 billion of that budget to pay for everything that is not protected by a set-aside. That $1 billion is also where any cuts have to come from. The budget for fiscal year 2009-10 anticipates a $438 million dollar shortfall. (Download Budget Letter.)

Obviously, something must be done about these legally required payouts that cause an all-out budget war about the table scraps each year. The problem is that set-asides fund childrens' programs, libraries, rainbows and puppies. What politician would risk being labeled a baby hater?

This issue reminds me of the way Congress has dealt with military-base closures. No one wanted to close a base in their own district, but they all knew it had to be done. In 1990, Congress created the Base Realignment and Closure Commission. Made up of experts and other nonpartisan nerds, the commission reviewed bases and made recommendations every few years. Those reports became law unless Congress rejected the entire report (it could not be amended).

Perhaps The City would benefit from such a commission, which could propose sunset clauses for some set-asides, roll back others a bit and generally try to free up money for basic city services so we don’t have to use a municipal bond to do something as simple as fix our roads.

Granted, any change to the City Charter would have to then be voted on by San Franciscans. But if people felt it was a fair deal to prevent tax increases and dangerous cuts to law enforcement and mental health services (not to mention constant attempts by other groups to get their own set-asides), it just might work.

Perhaps most importantly, it would allow our politicians to save face, while at the same time deal with an important structural problem. I’m open to other suggestions, but ultimately we don’t want to end up in an emergency situation like the state government, which is apparently at Threat Level Orange.

Listen to Daly — it’s too early to celebrate

Supervisor Chris Daly was right.

I may not always agree with his budget priorities, but after nine years on the Board of Supervisors, he knows a thing or two about the system.
 
Let us back up for a moment and look at how the budget process in San Francisco works. The mayor can neither affirmatively force spending on anything (this is important) nor reduce spending on anything. He can, however, completely veto any line item in the budget passed by supervisors.

So each year, the mayor proposes a budget that contains cuts and expenditures. Supervisors then demand that funding for some of the cuts be restored (this is the “add-back” process). Both sides talk tough, but in the end, the board basically has to fund all the things the mayor wants (otherwise the mayor can just veto their programs) and try to wrangle a little change from the mayor. Then, they pass the budget and pray that the mayor does not later veto those add-backs, citing unforeseen budget problems.

That brings me back to Daly.

Last week’s Budget and Finance Committee meeting started out as a big love-in about the $44 million in add-backs supervisors managed to achieve in negotiations with Mayor Gavin Newsom’s office. “You guys were so awesome!” “No, you!”

But while Supervisor John Avalos, chairman of the committee, was (literally) drinking Champagne, “Daly Downer” interjected that the $44 million in add-backs could easily be vetoed by Mistermayor in a few months.

To his credit, Avalos had a letter from the mayor saying no line-item vetoes will be made without consultation with the board. (Here's the letter: Download State budget letter 7.1.2009.) And Joe Arellano of the Mayor’s Office pointed out to me that Mistermayor postponed a number of emergency cuts last year because of concerns by supervisors and also made changes to the Muni budget based on negotiations with the board. He affirmed, “Mayor Newsom believes in working collaboratively with the board on the budget and the tough choices ahead for The City.”

The threat of vetoes and further cuts in general is serious this year because bad news from the state will soon arrive with a bang, not a whimper, and will mean changes to The City’s budget. Note that $7 million of the $44 million in add-backs was taken from a $25 million reserve set aside for dealing with state cuts. It’s hard to believe the add-backs will be immune from additional cuts.

And that’s why Daly wasn’t drinking Champagne last week. When the full board votes on the budget (complete with the fancy new add-backs) Tuesday, I humbly suggest that rum and rosaries would be more appropriate for the after party.

WEBSITE BONUS: One option for the Board is to put the funding for a some Mayoral priorities on "conditional reserve" - which means that the Budget and Finance Committee later have to vote to release the funds. At last Wednesday's meeting, Supervisor Mirkarimi proposed doing just that but got zero support from other members of the committee. (Though he supported Mirkarimi's proposal, Daly is not on the committee and therefore cold not vote. ) We'll see this discussed again at the July 14th meeting of the full board.

Quotes of the meeting

  “I’d be happy to support that. Just don’t ask me to do the moonwalk today.” — Supervisor David Campos, agreeing to Supervisor John Avalos’ request to officially honor Michael Jackson.

“I think tragically there was the child of an abusive household who then went on to use wealth and privilege to do questionable things and to basically purchase children.” — Supervisor Bevan Dufty, who was obviously not on board with an In Memoriam for Jackson.

No one objected to Avalos’ other request: A statement encouraging all San Franciscans to vote for Giant's baseball player Pablo Sandoval to be on the National League All-Star team.

Friday Videos love a good conversation at 3 a.m.

Constant Readers,

My friend, D (who is my brother from another mother) emailed me this without comment. It is the cover of this Sunday's New York Times. (To Beth - who is out of town - I'll grab you a copy!)

Wow. Um. Just. I mean...Wow.

Here's the story that follows the cover. The story itself is actually about Gavin, Jerry Brown, Meg Whitman, Steve Poizner, etc...not exactly a difficult beauty contest to win so I see why they put our Dear Leader on the cover.

Doesn't it look a little like he's a religious figure? Anyway, whether you want to throw darts at it or lick it (or both) get your copy early - I'm sure they'll be flying off the racks.

Also, there's a really amazing article this week in Rolling Stone. My friend Art alerted me to it. So, grab one of those, too. 

On to videos! 

BONUS: Okay, you are really not going to believe this. I didn't. But I think it is real. Taylor Swift rapping about being a thug. I can't embed it, so just go to the video here. I'll wait.

Back? Okay....

Several people sent me this video. Allow me to give you the (extremely abbreviated) set-up:

At Wednesday's meeting of the Budget and Finance Committee, everyone was congratulating themselves at negotiating with the Mayor's office to get $44 million in add-backs. Chris Daly pointed out that the Mayor can just refuse to spend the money on the designated projects, so the fight ain't over.

And Avalos was all: but he told me he wouldn't make cuts without consulting us. And he put it in a letter!

And Daly was all: Hello? The Mayor came to the Board several months ago and SAID he'd work with us on mid-year budget cuts for 2008-2009. And he didn't! Your letter is worthless!

And then he said this:


Ultimately, Supervisor Mirkarimi's proposal designed to give the Board leverage in mid-year reductions did not even get a second, so it was not voted on. 

So, I got some flack for writing that one should not need a prescription for medicine containing ephedrine. Well, the United States is about to let poppy farmers in Afghanistan grow their heroin flowers at will. Hysterical people can have a new cause. 

A friend sent me this joke: "In all fairness to Gov Sanford's aides, 'I'm humping some Argentinean tail' sounds a lot like 'I'm hiking some Appalachian trail' when you're on a fuzzy satellite phone." Watch as some folks take Sanford to task for his anti-gay marriage stance.

Stephen Colbert also has a great mashup of politicians who lambasted Bill Clinton and went on to cheat on their spouses - Sanford included. Bring on the hypocrisy!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Clinton Curse
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

Sanford, of course, made headlines when he tried to refuse $700 million in bailout money. Here's a video that envisions a collection of mall stores asking for bailout money. There's the Ref from Footlocker, d-bags from Ab & Fitch, and - probably my favorite - the Hot Topic guy.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How does one get to be a guest on Glen Beck's show? Write the craziest essay? Here's a dude saying that Americans have forgotten about 9/11 and need to be reminded about how mad we should be. Best way to do that? Another attack. I know don't why I continue to be amazed at his show...

In honor of this holiday weekend, here's a little something called "The Star Mangled Banner" - a collection of awesomely bad anthem singing. These are our fellow Americans. Be proud.

The Star Mangled Banner - watch more funny videos

This Daily Show moment of Zen will show you how not to handle fireworks. Rule 1: make everything as terrifying as possible. 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - Fireworks Safety Tips
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

And finally, here are six puppies playing in a little pen. This is what heaven looks like. I'm sure of it. 

Have a great holiday weekend, y'all!

-Melissa

Sadly, no food fight at breakfast

I had already agreed to attend the Alice B. Toklas Pride Day breakfast when I learned that gubernatorial hopefuls Attorney General Jerry Brown and Mistermayor would be there. Obviously I was giddy. I imagined Mayor Gavin Newsom arranging to have a wheelchair available for the 71-year-old Brown “just in case,” and Brown presenting Newsom with a signed copy of “California Dreaming: The Political Odyssey of Pat and Jerry Brown.”

When the time came for the event, they were not hugging, that’s for sure, but neither man made a snide remark about the other while speechifying. Newsom even stood when the room gave Brown an ovation for his work on behalf of same-sex marriage. Brown was already standing when the room did the same for Newsom. Obviously I was disappointed at the civility and maturity the men displayed, but I remain hopeful that it won’t last.

(Here's my BFF, Beth's take on the breakfast!)

 Also at the breakfast:

“I want to thank you for all your cards and letters while I was out hiking the Appalachian trail ... with Ed Jew,” San Francisco Assemblyman Tom Ammiano said to huge laughter.

And speaking of Ammiano:

He was one of two members of the state Assembly Public Safety Committee who voted against SB 484, which would have required a prescription for over-the-counter medicine that contains ephedrine and ephedrine-related products. The measure (the perils of which I wrote about last week) failed to garner four votes and is dead unless the chair of the committee, Juan Arambula, D-Fresno, decides to reconsider it.

San Francisco's own stimulus package

November’s ballot continues to take shape, as the Board of Supervisors voted Tuesday to lay the groundwork for a $368 million bond for road and sidewalk improvements. The proposed measure would be repaid over 20 years with property taxes. And because it’s a “general obligation” bond, it will need the approval of 66 percent of voters. (California Constitution, Art. 16, sec. 18(a).)

Supervisor Bevan Dufty figured: While we’re rooting around in the guts of our streets, we should put some utility wires underground. But his proposal to add $20 million to the measure for that purpose never made it out of the Budget and Finance Committee.

On Tuesday, the board approved a resolution declaring that approving the bond would be in the public interest (a necessary precursor to the official bond measure) by a vote of 9-2, with supervisors Michela Alioto-Pier and Sean Elsbernd voting no. (Here's the resolution: Download Street Bond.)

Here’s my dramatic interpretation of the debate (these are not quotes):

Elsbernd: This bond is basically saying: Streets are no longer a budget priority, so lets pile it on to the property-tax payers of The City. Last year, voters approved more than $1 billion in bonds — can we give citizens a break? Do we have to have a bond measure on every dang ballot?

Ed Riskin, director, Department of Public Works: In the past 20 years, The City’s pavement-condition index score has gone from 78 to 64 because streets have been neglected. We need to fix the Hall of Justice at 850 Bryant St., and there’s not enough general fund money to do that plus get our roads in order, so we need to put this in a bond.

Elsbernd: The resolution says this money is for road repairs. That is maintenance. Bonds are not supposed to be used for maintenance. Bonds are for humongous one-time expenditures like overhauling San Francisco General Hospital, which voters approved last year.

Riskin: If it makes you feel any better, we will still fix potholes and fill pavement cracks with general fund money.

Nani Coloretti, mayor’s budget director: Let me add that the state is cutting funds to The City, including the cash we get from the gas tax to take care of our streets.

Elsbernd: We don’t use the gas tax to resurface our streets like we are supposed to! We use it to clean our streets. If we used the money for its intended purpose, we wouldn’t be asking voters to approve yet another bond.

David Chiu, board president: First of all, Elsbernd is being a total killjoy. The board should get bonus points for working with Mistermayor’s office on this. Second, I want to point out that passing this bond won’t result in a tax increase (you just won’t see a decrease). Third, if we wait too long, our streets will be even more janky, which will make repairing them even more expensive. And you know what? In a year like this, when we’re talking about cutting services and stuff, we can’t prioritize street repairs as a general fund expense.

Elsbernd: We’re looking at an $85 million increase in retirement benefit costs this year, and a $40 million increase in the cost for health care benefits that The City has to pay. The reason there’s no money for streets is because we refuse to make difficult decisions.

Coloretti: This will create 2,600 jobs, too.

Riskin: Yeah, man. It’s about jobs.

QUOTES OF THE MEETING:

 “Those who are considering placing a parcel tax on the November ballot: You’re gonna go to the voters with a parcel tax and a general obligation bond at the same time? In this economy? Good luck.” — Supervisor Sean Elsbernd at Tuesday’s Board of Supervisors meeting, speaking out against a proposed $368 million bond for street improvements on the November ballot.

“If any of us had thought that Supervisor Elsbernd lost his edge becoming a parent, I think we were welcoming the moment when he tossed that microphone aside and stepped away with a look of disgust that we see on his face right now.” — Supervisor Bevan Dufty, commenting on new father Elsbernd’s vehement opposition to the proposed street bond, and Elsbernd’s signature “microphone toss.”

Friday Videos will Gladly Give You the Sports Section of the Paper

Constant Readers,

Everyone is dying. Go get a check-up.

Let's start with a few unconventional tributes, shall we?

My stage name is Ed McMuffin (long story) so Ed McMahon's will go first...

Here's a seriously whacked-out Farah tribute. People be crazy.

I'm sure that, of all the gestures of love and support that are making Michael Jackson smile in heaven right now, none is more wonderful to him than this - a New Kids On The Block tribute performed at a concert in Detroit.

While we're thinking about music...this new Lily Allen song is called "Fuck You Very Much" and it's obviously not safe for work. But it could be San Francisco's theme song.

When trolling in the music section of YouTube, I found this video by Depeche Mode (who knew?) for a song called "Peace." The vid follows a female soldier who has just been discharged from the military. Powerful stuff.

On to the funny...this kid looks more like Alf than Rick Sanchez, and yet his impression is just wonderful! Excellent video...

Rick Sanchez Spoof - watch more funny videos

The Louisiana legislature decided to honor a local rapper named "Hurricane Chris" (so, there's that) who has a popular song out called "Halle Berry." (Walter still rules, though.)  They let him perform the song on the floor of the esteemed assembly floor. Ridiculous as this is - remember that at least Louisiana isn't about to have to pay it's bills with I.O.U.s. Thanks to Brit and Alex for sending me this! 

Watch Jon Stewart respond to the White House's assertion that taped interviews with Dick Cheney should be kept confidential because future V.P.s might be reluctant to be interviewed if they think the info will get out and used for fodder on The Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Cheney Predacted
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Crazytown) explains why the census is just a way for the Obama administration to collect information to be used later to round people up and put them in internment camps.

This is a tape of a gay exorcism. I don't know what to say, except: see Lily Allen video.

If you want to see more of the weirdness, go here for a longer version. 

This video is of three commercials for magic sex dust, or something. In the first video, wearing pigtails, is the younger sister of one of my best friends. I've known her since she was 12. Hehe! Go Brooke!!

VIAPREN RUSH DELIVERY AD CAMPAIGN

And finally, here's a video about a cat named Winston. Winston is basically the cat version of me. Except that he is adorable.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

--Melissa

SB 484 Is All Methed Up

I’ve had asthma my whole life, but for the past 15 years or so it has been mild enough to control with over-the-counter medication.

I tell you this because I want to be upfront about my bias — my wheezing, unadulterated rage, really — at a law being debated right now in Sacramento that will require a prescription for the purchase of any medication that contains ephedrine, pseudoephedrine, norpseudoephedrine or phenylpropanolamine (let’s just call all this "ephedrine" for the purpose of this article). Zyrtec-D, Claritin-D, Sudafed and Advil Cold and Sinus are some of the drugs you will need a doctor’s permission to purchase under the proposed law, all because some people use these drugs to make methamphetamine.

The bill, SB 484, has already passed the Senate, where state Sen. Mark Leno voted in favor (say it ain’t so, Mark!) and state Sen. Leland Yee voted against.

On Tuesday, it will be in front of two former San Francisco supervisors (Assembly members Tom Ammiano and Fiona Ma) during a Public Safety Committee meeting.

The law is modeled after one passed in Oregon in 2005. And since Oregon and California are basically twins, some folks think it would be a good idea to try it here because our state government is humming along with no bigger issues. To be clear: Meth is a huge problem that has affected even my own family and I agree that we should be working to fight this scourge, but SB 484 is misguided nonsense.

 In Oregon, where this very law has been "successful," local meth production is down. But according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, the market "has been increasingly supplied with methamphetamine from other southwestern states and Mexico." (Senate Analyst Report: Download SB 484 Senate Bill - Bill Analysis.)  And a recent study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services shows that the rate of meth use in Oregon is greater than California. (Great. Next we’ll be copying Louisiana’s emergency-evacuation program.)

In 2005, the federal government prohibited the purchase of more than 7.5 grams of ephedrine per month and made it so you have to show identification and sign a promise to be good with your sniffles medicine. (21 U.S.C. sec. 830(e).) The number of labs busted in California declined 83 percent from 2003 to 2007. Oregon saw a 95 percent total reduction during the same period. (See Analyst Report, above.) So we’re talking about a difference of 12 percent, or 64 labs in California, potentially attributable to requiring a prescription. And that’s only if we assume zero difference in law-enforcement resources.

Bearing in mind that there’s no evidence that meth use diminishes with the elimination of local labs (there is some evidence that use actually increases with the more pure product from Mexico — just ask Iowa), let’s look at some of the costs associated with requiring a prescription: 

• In 2008, the state received about $4.5 million in sales-tax revenue from ephedrine products. Prescriptions are not taxed, so that money’s gone.
• California’s 8 million uninsured surely count asthma and allergy sufferers among their ranks, and trips to the emergency room when an attack strikes will be paid for by the collective goodwill of taxpayers. Medicaid costs will rise, too.
• Aside from the collective costs, there are the personal costs borne by you and me when we want medicine that works. Studies confirm what we all know: Drugs containing the "substitute" phenylephrine instead of ephedrine don’t work as well and have to be taken more frequently. These costs include time off work, co-pay for a doctor visit and the cost of the drug itself (reportedly, Sudafed costs $25 in Oregon), not to mention the toll all of this ridiculousness takes on one’s mental health.

Instead of limiting effective medicine to the persistent and insured, other states like Kentucky and Massachusetts actually target the problem — people who hoard ephedrine from multiple sources — and have simply created computer systems that better track such purchases. There’s a thought.

Note that, in addition to free time and evil, meth producers also require things like fingernail polish, paint thinner, table salt, vehicle starter fluid, matches, and pots and pans. Let’s hope The City’s representatives help defeat SB 484, or else we’ll soon need a note from our mothers to engineer a pedicure.

Friday Videos are Glad to be Home

Constant Readers,

In the last few weeks, I have traveled to four cities and learned that I really don't like tapas. I've tried, y'all. I swear. But I'm just too country.  What's up with those small plates? And anyway, I don't like to share. I want a big plate of mac and cheese and some alone time to inhale it. Which may explain the breakup, now that I think about it.

Anyway  I'm glad to be home in SF, where the wine selection is generally respectable and, when, in the taxi on the way home from the airport I call one friend, another one picks up the phone and I can hear a third in the background. Much love to my little SF family.  

On with the fun!

If you don't enjoy the wonders of public comment, you should leave this site and never come back. I love our characters, but SF certainly hasn't cornered the market on great comment. Here's a video of Santa Cruz comments. Many thanks to Brock and Dewar for alerting me to this awesomeness!   

Okay, were' changing gears here for a second. As you know, there is some election fuckery going on in Iran - here's a video of a massive silent protest. Eerie. Wonderful. 

So, right before the  Shiite hit the fan in Iran, The Daily Show sent a correspondent to talk to the people who hate us. I swear, you will not be disappointed if you watch this. It may be one of their best segments yet. When he gives the cigarettes to the little girl, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Who doesn't love a little Marlboro-child action? 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jason Jones: Behind the Veil - Minarets of Menace
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

One would think Babs has been in office long enough to not be insecure about this sort of thing. Frankly, I don't like being called "Ma'am" either (especially by the JV tranny muppets at Sephora) but people call male Senators "sir" all the time. Still, I always love a little bitchitude. Say it, sister.  

This statement is a punchline by itself: Sean Hannity declares the journalism is dead.

Honestly, there are some videos that I can watch over and over again. Only, like, three of them, though. Here's one of them. Natalie Portman rapping. I love her more each time I watch.

 

So, Obama killed a fly. Stop the fucking presses! Though I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought of Karate Kid when I heard about it.

I won't ruin this one by explaining it. Just watch. It's safe for work, but put down your beverage.

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

And finally, much love to my friend who sent me a link that he knew damn well is crack for someone like me. You can see pics like this (baby otters - WANT!!!) there:

 

Argh!! GO already! NOW!  It's here!

And have a great weekend, y'all!!

-Melissa