Constant Readers,
I have grown to accept the fact that the law attracts annoying people. The kind who correct your usage of "who" and "whom" and interrupt your fun vacation stories to tell you what you did was totally illegal. Have you ever visited a foreign country and been achingly humiliated by the behavior of some fellow American tourists? As a lawyer, that's what I feel like all the time. Whether it is Stuart Hanlon arguing that Ed Jew is the victim of a Vast Thai Beverage Conspiracy, or Randall Knox arguing that the crazy sumbitch who set the most ironic fire in history is not guilty, being embarrassed by fellow lawyers is a daily experience. And so it was when I watched the February 12 Board of Supervisors meeting. You can watch the exchange I'm referring to at SFGTV, go to the 2/12 hearing, click on agenda item 27, and get to 3:33:04.
[The setup: A "Conditional Use" hearing because a couple of women are trying to open a foreign language school for toddlers on Stockton Street and there is a group of neighbors who are opposed to the school. The neighbors in opposition show up and hire a total douche for a lawyer to present on their behalf. Things are actually looking pretty good for his case until his closing statement. There, he argued, among other things, that the Board should not be swayed by these "two very attractive women" and that no one from the neighborhood showed up to support the women. Mind you, he's unlikable from the beginning, but not so bad that he is committing malpractice by tanking his clients' case, until this part...]
Supervisor Chu: Thank you for your presentation, you know, I think that one of the things that I heard that was quite shocking and I wanna make a comment, two comments to you, through the Chair. It really is, you know, whether or not the project sponsors are two attractive women or not really shouldn't have any bearing. [You tell 'em, Sister!]
Supervisor Peskin: I completely concur.
Supervisor Chu: And I believe you would have served your, um...your clients would have been much better served if you had really stuck to the facts. The second thing that also wanted to note is that even though you're indicating that your...er, the project sponsor does not have any people who have turned out, we have hundreds and thousands of residents in the City and County of San Francisco who never come to the Board of Supervisors' chambers, ever. And I don't think that has any indication of whether or not they exist or not. [Um, yes it is. The team with the loudest fans usually wins.] They could and clearly do exist. So, I just wanted to make those two comments.
Attorney: Ah, let me respond...
Supervisor Peskin: No, D-Don't-D-D...
Attorney: Roberts Rules of Order, when a Supervisor directs me, I can respond. And...[OMG! Whatthefuckareyoudoing?? Do NOT argue Parliamentary Procedure with Peskin!!]
Supervisor Peskin: Actually that's not true Mr. Williams, but I will give you that courtesy. [Aborted next sentence: "Though you don't deserve it, you discourteous SOB."]
Attorney: Thank you. And when I said "attractive" I wasn't meaning physically attractive. [So now they are ugly? We hate you so much right now.] What I meant was someone who can sell you something, someone who is attractive who can sell you something. And CUs [Conditional Use hearings] are different. This is your first CU hearing, and the neighborhood has...[Its Official: get this man a fanny pack and denim jacket that says "Don't Mess With Texas" and tell him to meet me in Paris.]
Supervisor Peskin: Alright, don't don't don't lecture the Supervisor Mr. Williams that is just entirely inappropriate, entirely inappropriate and offensive conduct from counsel, I wanna note that for the record. Both as to her comments which I noted and repeated to the Clerk of the Board as being inappropriate and its inappropriate for you to lecture the Supervisor about her first CU hearing. With that, the matter is in the hands of the Board. [Which then voted unanimously against his client.]
Oh well, not every lawyer can be as cool as me. The 29-year-old who watches Board meetings like they are The Wire and then writes about them. What are you laughing at??
--Melissa
How is it that you're a full-time, high-powered lawyer by day, you're at every social function in the City at night, you party like a rock star on the weekends, and still you have time to watch SFGov TV?? You're my hero. (Except the SFGov TV part - that's just plain dorky.)
Posted by: Be_Devine | February 27, 2008 at 19:05
I've seen The Melissa in action--Johnny Walker Black on the rocks, bumming cigarettes off some hapless guy, dispatching lesser beings with that rapier wit--yes, I strongly suspect that she's the reincarnation of the famous Dorothy Parker.
Posted by: el Greco | February 28, 2008 at 07:48
Wow - my life seems much more interesting when you guys write about it! And, while I think I more resemble Mary-Louise Parker than Dorothy Parker, I will happily take your compliments! (Muah!)
Posted by: Sweet Melissa | February 28, 2008 at 10:52
lighter lit because this post rocked!
when that lawyer started giving 'tude to Chu I was all "oh no you DIDN'T" and saw the Peksin smackdown. PWNAGE.
do you have any other mad Jedi skillz we're not aware of ?
Posted by: Greg | February 28, 2008 at 12:09
Um, do we we have any pictures of said "attractive" French teachers?
Posted by: vansmack | February 28, 2008 at 13:53
This is typical San Francisco for once we have something for children and it is canceled, it is no wonder families leave this city. My 2 year old has attended these classes. I am not affluant, I take Muni to the classes and losing this program is a real issue to me. What do I tell my son, mean spirited residence are preventing you to meet your friends and learn a language?
Posted by: chrisp | March 04, 2008 at 09:33