These Are My People, Part Two: Life Lessons from Ex-Governor Spitzer

Constant Readers,

Because I have an ongoing fascination with lawyers who are douchebags (maddeningly easy to find, I know) I could not resist writing something about now "disgraced ex-Governor" Eliot Spitzer. (Who has not yet been charged with any crime.) With a blahgosphere full of salacious attacks, I have chosen to go a different route. I think that it is time for healing. Time for reflection. And time to learn from Eliot's Goobernitorial Misconduct. So, last night I read the 55-page indictment of the, um...Board of Directors of Hoes 'R Us and I write here about what we can learn from his mistakes:

1. Plan Ahead. Spitzer is likely to be accused of violating federal structuring laws. (31 U.S.C. sec. 5324.) Because you have to file "currency transaction reports" with the IRS for all transactions involving $10,000 or more, the law prohibits people from being cute and withdrawing $9,999 from their bank account every day for several days to get around the filing. If it can be shown that Spitzer was withdrawing money from his accounts in a manner specifically designed to avoid an IRS filing, he could go to jail for up to 5 years. (Federal sentencing guidelines look to the amount hidden.) So, if you are going to go to a Pro, start saving up now. Quietly sock away $100 a week from the ATM and in a year or so, you may be able to afford two hours with Chrissy without having to file with the IRS. (See bottom of post.) Can you imagine? Shit, man. I get hyped if a guy buys me a burrito.

2. Don't Try To Be Cute. One reason there is so much dirt on Spitzer (and there is very little on the other Johns in the indictment) is because Spitzer insisted on MAILING the deposit for Kristen's trip from New York to D.C.. He wouldn't do a wire transfer or give a credit card number (the Pimps only accept American Express, by the way) and didn't even put a return address on the package. Very clever, Gomer. Now we have about five phone calls trying to locate the package with Spitzer digging himself deeper into trouble, saying things like, "Yup, same as in the past, no question about it."

3. Buy In Bulk. You should view sex with a Pro like a trip to Sam's Club. According to the indictment, Dorine and Michelle, for example, cost $1000 per hour but only $3600 each for 4 hours. What a bargain! Spitzer only bought two hours with Kristen and thus got no discount. In his defense, he prolly cut it short because it was the day before Valentine's Day. (Shudder.)

4. Don't Use An Escort Service. Federal law prohibits transactions designed to conceal or disguise proceeds from illegal conduct - "money laundering". (18 U.S.C. sec. 1956.) If Spitzer knew he was giving money to a shell company (and I'll bet he did, since he sent money to the shell company address - QAT Consulting Group, Inc. and QAT International, Inc.), he can be charged with conspiracy to engage in money laundering. And because the Emperor's Club earned more than $1 million between December 2004 and January 2008, he could be on the hook for the whole enchilada. Better to find a gal without a fake taxpayer ID number. Though a big scary pimp may not be advisable either. There should be a special section for this on craigslist.

5. Listen To Ludacris. One of the reasons the Feds are involved in this case (aside from the fact that it involves Eliot Freaking Spitzer! I'll bet there were high fives all around in the surveillance van the night that came to light) is because, like a true New Yorker, Eliot believes everything is better in New York - pizza, bagels, and even tramps. So, he had a New York gal sent down to D.C.. This action then implicated the most appropriately-entitled law of all time: The Mann Act. (18 U.S.C. sec. 2422.) The Mann Act prohibits anyone from persuading, inducing or coercing another person to travel from one state to another to engage in prostitution. Which is squarely what this was. So, listen to Luda, who avoids the interstate trafficking issues by just keeping Hoes in Different Area Codes. 

So, there you have it straight from the files of Uncle Eliot: just (1) save up discreetly, (2) bring cash, (3) buy in bulk, (4) pay your princess directly, and (5) stay in the Suckafree - you should have no problems. 

Thanks, Mr. Spitzer. You shouldn't have. Really, you shouldn't have...

--Melissa

BONUS INFO FROM THE INDICTMENT: ('Cause I know you were wondering) Kristen ($1000, Spitzer's gal), Drew ($2000), Raquel ($1500), Chrissy ($2100, $1500), Samantha ($1500, suspected drug addict), Sophie ($1200), Emily ($1500), Dorine ($1000), Michelle ($1000), and Astrid (£ 500).

BEST RELATED STORY: Apparently, Spitzer used the alias "George Fox" when dealing with the Pros. And Eliot's friend named George Fox is none too happy about it. LOL!   

Comments

[Beth Spotswood]

I read that 55 page romance novel too! I just skipped to all the stuff about the hookers. I like the ones who called up saying that they were nervous or changing their mind. Oh, and "Samantha" in LA with the drug problem is my new BFF. Not that you're going anywhere. She can just come to Le Club with us...

[el Greco]

I really really want a photo of "Kristen". Is there any way at all, Melissa, you can dig one up? An 8 x 10 color glossy would be great and if she could sign it, maybe something like "el Greco, you were wonderful last night!" Anything along those lines would be awesome. Thanks, Meliss.

[Beth Spotswood]

I got your photo right here!

http://www.dlisted.com/node/24512

[Sweet Melissa]

We are SO going to Le Club with Le Whores! I wanna bring Chrissy, too.

Kristen looks gorgeous from what I can see - if she were smart she'd use those looks to marry a rich guy. That way she'd never have to have sex again.

[el Greco]

I have my $4,300 ready! Kristen is hot, hot, hot!

One correction, Melissa. If she gets married, she still has unsatisfying sex, but she is completely excused from BJ's. That is the great unwritten rule.

[el Greco]

This one of Kristen was just passed on to me. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0312084kristen1.html

[Sweet Melissa]

Correction: I meant Super Hella OLD rich guy.

[Cracker]

"Can you imagine? Shit, man. I get hyped if a guy buys me a burrito." Classic!

[l'Italiana]

Honestly, 'splain to me how these wives allow themselves to be trotted out in front of the cameras to "stand by their man"?! I would be so, "you stuck your thing in to it, now you pull it out yourself...I may (or may not) be home waiting..."! Food for thought: would a man in the same situation allow such humiliation?!

[Greg]

I knew someone who worked for Spitzer a while back and he told me that he was a "really intense" guy. I asked him about this situation and he said "well, hell if I was Mrs. Spitzer I'd WANT him to go to high end hooker just to get him out of the house once in a while."

I posted one of his campaign commercials at my site. The one about "Responsibility Road." I have the others too.

"Hi, my name is Greg and I'm a poiltical advertising addict."

[DJTennessee]

I really WANT to pile on that young lady for being slutty, overprivileged, close to power... but then you look at her and you just someone too savvy for her good and who'd give anything to undo this. That poor poor family.

Know how Spitzer could have survived this? When he dragged his wife out for that "press conference", he should have been sporting a bandaged nose and a big old fuckin' shiner on his left eye. I'd respect them so much more as a couple.