All Ed Jew needs is that crazy coif

Before Illinois had Gov. Rod Blagojevich, San Francisco had Edmund Jew.

Sure, Ed lacks Blago’s charisma, showmanship and astonishing coif, but both men share an allergy to responsibility — even in the face of irrefutable evidence of corruption. Now that Ed Jew will be sentenced in federal court Friday, let us take a moment to remember our former Sunset district supervisor.

As a crude recap: Jew was elected supervisor in District 4 in November 2006 and took office that December; about three months into his tenure, he learned that several Quickly tapioca stores in his district were in violation of a formula retail law; Jew explained to the store owners that, for the bargain price of $80,000, he could tell the Planning Department to fix the problem.

As evidence that I am in the wrong business, Jew told the owners that $40,000 would go to a consultant named Robert Chan, who would handle the paperwork. (Chan later claimed that was a discount!) The other $40,000 was supposed to be used to build a playground in Jew’s district. And by “build a playground” he meant, “put it in my freezer.”

Having been alerted to the tapioca tryst, the FBI started digging for evidence in the obvious places, including Jew’s “home” in the Sunset, which they found to be ... er, remarkably Spartan. This led to local charges that Jew was not a “resident” in his own district, which eventually led to his resignation as supervisor in January 2008.

Meanwhile, Jew was charged by the feds with bribery, extortion and mail fraud.

Ever the statesman, Jew, as we say in the South, “lied like a rug” throughout this whole process. Aside from the bizarre string of whoppers he told local authorities about his residences, he told the feds that he never asked for money from Quickly owners, had simply picked up the cash as a favor to Chan and had given all the money to Chan. He also claimed to have never been at the Quickly store when FBI wiretaps recorded his conversations. He only changed his story when faced with the audio evidence. 

Having pleaded not guilty to federal charges in November 2007, Jew changed his plea to guilty in October 2008. This brings us to the sentencing phase, where each side recommends a prison term.

The federal government basically said: Jew is a meanie and a Liar McFibberson, and he preyed on Cantonese-speaking folks who don’t understand local political systems (though the notion that The City’s business permitting regime is understandable to English speakers is rather optimistic), so he should receive about five years in the clink.

Jew’s lawyer was all: Dude! How can you say the “victims” were vulnerable when they were all wearing FBI wires? Besides, the (unidentified) cool kids in politics were all doing it, and — I’m not making this up — Jew suffered several head injuries some 40 years ago that affected the part of his brain that makes decisions (apparently the part that lies is still swollen), so he should only go to the pokey for about one year.

It’s up to the judge, but we can expect a sentence of at least one year — though Jew could get out earlier if he makes nice and refrains from promising other inmates that he can obtain magical cigarettes for a low, low price.

--Melissa

BONUS:  Here are the sentencing memos so y'all can see for y'allselves Download Jew Sentencing Memo;  Download Jew response memo

Comments

[Chester]

As laughable as the brain damage defense is...perhaps it merits some thought. I don't know of any other way to account for Ed Jew's mind-boggling inability to get any sort of malfeasance right. I mean...I've seen more competent criminal masterminds on _Scooby-Doo_.

[brittney]

I love these recaps. I also love "lied like a rug."

[brittney]

Just in: he got 5.5 years!