Dear Mayor Newsom: A Modest Proposal

Aloha, Mistermayor!

I have heard from several people close to your campaign that you hate old-school fundraising, preferring instead to tweet, preach and otherwise engender mass crushes in the hopes that checks will be forthcoming. Several of those people have told me that you dropped out of the governor’s race because your detached method wasn’t going to work on a California scale.

Honestly, this may be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard about you.

Who wants to spend all their time giving some potential contributor “the girlfriend experience,” pretending to be amused by their dumb jokes and saying they look dashing in that tie? “Have you been working out?” you have to ask while squeezing their flabby biceps, feigning astonishment and hoping for a large donation.

Bah. I don’t blame you for taking a pass.

The curse is that you seem to have an ego that will prevent you from going gently into that good night when you are termed out as mayor in January 2012. How do you move to another office without having to do the dirty, flirty work of fundraising? And what office would that be?

Being lieutenant governor isn’t worth moving to Sacramento since it basically requires you to be the John Oates to the governor, who gets to be Daryl Hall.

Mistermayor, you’re no John Oates.

If only there were a position that would allow you to maintain your position in The Big Deal Club. Let us imagine the perfect job for you...

Your current and former employees seem to agree that you are a political dork who loves to ruminate on policy possibilities. Indeed, it feels like every day your office issues a news release about a green initiative seemingly conjured up by European political science students. The local politicking required to deal with potholes and crime don’t appear to be of interest to you, so let’s work with that. Your dream job should also reward the fact that, like a new iPhone, you easily provide up to eight hours of talk time.

Mistermayor, I humbly suggest the United States Senate.

I know, I know, you’d never run against our current senators, Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein. But what if Feinstein decides it’s not a good idea to leave the gubernatorial hopes of the California Democratic Party in the hands of Jerry Brown, a man whose 40 years of political eccentricities will be trotted out in Technicolor by Republicans come next fall? (Granted, Feinstein just got her dream job as chairwoman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, but that’s a renewable two-year appointment ending in January 2011 — right about the time she would be sworn in as governor.)

Feinstein is perhaps the only Democrat who can win a governor’s race, especially if you come through with the young’uns by getting all your Twitter followers on Team Diane. In exchange for the sorority vote, if elected governor, Feinstein could then appoint you to serve out the remainder of her term, which ends in 2013. You wouldn’t even have to fundraise!

So, there’s my idea, free of charge.

However, if you decide to go with this suggestion, it would be great if you would let me be the first to break the news.

(Ahem.)

Did I mention you look dashing in that tie?

-Melissa

Comments

[Fredo]

M -
Are you making an obscure Didion reference? Because if you are, the roses are on their way.

[Jim]

Yeah, but he says he wants to be an exec, and he doesn't want to be in a deliberative body again.

I think Jer Bear will win in the general. I think DiFi and BB will stay where they are.

"seemingly conjured up by European political science students" = yep. I'd love to see the pile of ideas he's rejected for being too impractical -they must be real doozies.

[Howard Epstein]

The problem with him filling a vacant senate seat is that he would have to run for reelection statewide. He'd lose big time. How about Newsom runs for congress when Nancy Pelosi retires after her heath care goes down and she's dumped as speaker?

[Jack]

I have a hard time believing Mel is serious about Senator Newsom. But then again, I don't remember her ever posting an entire article to humor and farce? I think this must be the first one. There are soo many better people in SF, let alone the State, to be a US Senator. I think given your guidelines for GN's future based on his abilities, he should work for a foundation and give money to pet causes that will fulfill his need to change the world. But definitely private sector and big money, and not public service. (p.s. Please comment and say you were joking.)

[kwk]

There's a great 30-year-old essay on Didion maintained by Al Filreis at a UPenn Kelly Writers House site:

Grizzuti on Didion

which even makes Ayn Rand comparisons, Rand being so current what with the recently published biography and all.

So what're we looking at? Newsom as John Galt?

[kevin mccormack]

OK, you are now my favorite political columnist of all time. Anyone who can work a reference to Daryl Hall and John Oates into an article about the future of Gavin Newsom, and make it work, is a genius. Genius. And you are right. He really doesn't want to be John Oates (but thanks for using a photo of Oates with his moustache, the bare lip thing isn't working for me!)
What next? Arnold as the Captain to DiFi's Tenile. Can't wait.

[Melissa Griffin]

So many great comments! Thank you all so, so much for writing!

@Fredo - I wish I could take credit for a Didion reference, but alas, I did not intentionally make one.

@Jim - Newsom may prefer an executive position, but I suspect he'd take federal legislative over nothing.

@Howard - true, he'd have to run for election but not until 2012 when he'd be running as an incumbent.

@Jack - I'm not saying he's the best person in the state to be a senator. I AM saying: I don't think he left the race without a plan. A plan that might fail, but a plan nonetheless for another office. I'm not joking about that. Whether it is a senate seat is just a hypothetical - but not an altogether crazy one.

@kwk - You are much smarter than I, as usual. Fountainhead was always my favorite Rand book. Actually, there's no intentional Rand or Didion reference in here.

@kevin - I saw Oats on a Vh1 show the other day and the non-mustache look is just awful! Agreed! I'm so glad you liked the piece! I'll have to work on a Captain and Tenile reference. Or maybe Peaches and Herb...

[Kim-Shree]

Hey there Miss Melissa,

When I read this article, I thought your advice to our "MisterMayor" was not only sound but quite clever. Now I'm listening to you on KGO 810AM (11/12/09 at 3pm-4pm with Gil Gross). Glad you're in the the studio with those two gents-you're so brainy!! And yeah, why does Ken Garcia get one more days than you? You're way more widely read and appreciated (in my opinion from the feedback the I hear).