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November 05, 2009

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I'm sorry. You can take away my house, steal my kid, kick my dog and tell me the Easter Bunny's not real. That's fine. But how dare you crusade against Kellogg's, a venerable American institution that has, with apologies to Christ Jesus and his ilk, done more for the salvation of mankind than any other individual or entity. That crosses a very clearly demarcated line.

In a world filled with gray, there are still a handful of things that are black and white. Kellogg's breakfast cereal is what made me the chiseled, Adonis-like physical specimen I've become. I challenge anyone to affirmatively, definitively disprove the claim that Kellogg's does not serve as a staunch, steady soldier in the global battalion that's fighting against swine flu and mad cow and genital warts and every other malady on planet earth. The knee-jerk criticism instigated by Mr. Herrera, and perpetuated in this blog, smacks of communist propaganda, plain and simple. And I won't stand for it. No sir-eee. Not no way. Not no how.

Oh, Mr. Herrera. You're lucky you were running against "Undeclared." 'Cuz it's on, now, son.

P.S. You're still the best.

Excerpts from Wikipedia:
"John Harvey Kellogg ran a sanitarium using holistic methods, with a particular focus on nutrition, enemas and exercise. Kellogg was an advocate of vegetarianism and is best known for the invention of the corn flakes breakfast cereal...
"As an advocate of sexual abstinence, Kellogg devoted large amounts of his educational and medical work to discouraging sexual activity...
"Some of his work on diet was influenced by his belief that a plain and healthy diet, with only two meals a day, among other things, would reduce sexual feelings...
"Although he and his wife were married for over 40 years, they likely never had sexual intercourse and maintained separate bedrooms throughout...
"He was an especially zealous campaigner against masturbation... Kellogg was able to draw upon many medical sources' claims such as 'neither the plague, nor war, nor small-pox, nor similar diseases, have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the pernicious habit of onanism,'...
"Kellogg worked on the rehabilitation of masturbators, often employing extreme measures, even mutilation..."

Sounds like this guy could be a SF Supervisor!

No "gold" in Golden Grahams? Well you can't buy farmers at a Farmers Market, there's no 'frost' in Frosted Flakes, there's no 'cheer' in Cheerios and (damn!) there's no 'pie' in Rice Krispies!


The apocryphal story (and who knows how much of it, if any, is actually true) is that John Kellogg was searching for a quick, easy, ready-to-eat meal b/c he was convinced Christ's Second Coming was imminent, and needed something that he and his family could gobble down quickly before ascending to heaven. Seriously. Because no one wants exaltation on an empty stomach, do we?

So he began experimenting with dried corn, which begat Corn Flakes, which begat Rice Krispies, which begat Corn Pops and Froot Loops and Apple Jacks and all the others. And all of us who grew up on generous helpings of Cocoa Puffs (I used to add a sprinkle of sugar to mine, thank you very much) can vouch for the nutritive effects.

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