Sweet Melissa

Monday Q&A: Sanctuary City, Healthy San Francisco and Friday Vids

Constant Readers,

Don't forget that today is Muni Crime Story Day down at City Hall. Also, there will be a rally in support of saving SEIU City jobs at 5 p.m.  According to this morning's email on the demonstration, "Last week we took over the Mayors’ office, on Monday, Nov. 23, 2009 we take it to the next level..."

Whoa! Should be interesting.

I try to answer your questions as emails come in, but sometimes I get the same questions over and over again. I figured it might be worth answering some right here.  

1) What is the status of new Sanctuary City law?

The law was finally passed over Mistermayor's veto on November 10. It takes 30 days to go into effect. (December 10) In the meantime, City Attorney Herrera has asked that the United States Attorney for Northern California, Joseph Russoniello, promise not to prosecute any law enforcement officials who fail to report undocumented juveniles at the time of arrest. Herrera's letter asks for a response by December 7. 

Despite the fact that Russoniello said he would give no assurances, he has not answered Herrera's letter in writing (note that he does not have to). In the meantime, the Herrera's office is waiting until December 7 to see how and if Russoniello formally responds. 

2) What is the status of Healthy San Francisco?

Right now the lawsuit claiming that the employer contribution requirement violates federal law is pending at the United States Supreme Court. On October 5, the Supremes asked the United States Solicitor General to weigh in on whether the Supreme Court should hear the case

While there is no time limit on how long the Solicitor General can take to get back to the court, usually such opinions are dispatched withing 30 days. It has been longer than 30 days, of course, so the opinion could come at any time.

My guess is that the battle over federal health care system changes has muddied the water on this issue, so we probably won't see the letter until after the final reform bill can be examined by the Solicitor General. 

3) What happened to Friday videos?

Having so many videos on the screen was slowing down people's mobile devices, so I'm working on a separate tab that will open up to a page of videos.

So, there you go.

Feel free to send your political questions to melissagriff@gmail.com

Also, constructive criticism about the new page design is welcome. I'm still tweaking it.

Happy Monday!

-Melissa

Friday Videos love surprises...

Constant Readers,

My dear friend Ron Mexico was very upset at the lack of vids last week. He's extremely good-looking, so I let him cry on my shoulder a little bit. Yep. Shameless.

Anyway, I'm so sorry about that. Things seem to be up and running now, so if you left a comment (or twenty) last week and it didn't get posted, feel free to repost it.

On to videos (or as J.S. adorably called them last night "viewdeos")...

 This one was sent to my by Smartypants, along with the note "Its sooooo San Francisco.  acrobuttocks AND computing..." So there you go. It's safe for work.

Bethy sent me this one. Its a split screen of the OKGO video and a group of teenage boys doing the treadmill routine at a talent show. Amazing!

This video is so freaky, Clemens over at Usual Suspects featured it the other day. It's the Taco Bell and Pizza Hut song with a sock puppet video. You may need a hug after you see this. It's that strange.

Sean sent me this one - it's a redneck teaching martial arts. "Don't go ninjaing nobody that don't need ninjaing." Watch out for the Judy Chop!

I sent the video for this invention to some folks at a local business and suggested they buy one for the office. One of the recipients wrote back: "I^^can’t^^type^^right^^now…I^^am^^getting^^a^^workout^^in^^my^^Ha^^wa^^ai^^chair."

Ladies and gents, further proof that America is doomed: the Hawaii Chair.

And also from the "Shit I never thought I'd see" file, here is Darth Vadar dancing to Thriller.

And here's Dath Vadar being a jerk. It's short, so check it out...

Finally, here's a clip of a yappy pup that belongs to a sibling of a friend. The very last few seconds are the best...

My friend D.H. works with Tommy Lee and wrote to me that Mr. Lee has a motorcycle that runs on Jagermeister. "Seriously, you empty a bottle into the gas tank and it runs for about 60 miles." I just think you all should know such a thing exists. Perhaps we should develop a dependence on German resources.

Have a great weekend!

-Melissa

Friday Videos don't always want fresh ground pepper...

Constant Readers,

To the extent I have any memory of it, my hair is back to its natural color. I'm a brunette again. One would think making peace with my roots would not be so traumatic. But no. I think the hair salon is the only remaining public place where it's okay for people to cry.

I didn't cry, but I did sit in disbelief for an alarmingly long time. My hair guy, who is obviously used to such nonsense, was very patient.

It's short now, too.

That night, I met up with my friend Mad Dog, for dinner. He immediately told me I resemble the broad from the Matrix and refused to go into the restaurant until I started acting like an asskicker and "punch[ed] that [random] woman in the face." Obviously, I was laughing so hard that the hair crisis was over by the time we sat down to eat. 

And speaking of my hilarious friends...

This week I got some great suggestions from y'all.

First up is a video suggested by Mad Dog himself. It's an Eharmony ad for Kim Jon Il. I love that her name is Peggy.

This next one is from my email buddy, Kim. Ever surprising me with little online gems, he introduced me to The Kid From Brooklyn. There are a billion of these on YouTube. He opines on everything from Michael Jackson to "foreigners." Here's his take on gay marriage. I don't know why he's shirtless.

Don't miss his take on Redneck Women.

D.J. Daddie is one of the nicest people I know. He sent this to me and the accompanying message called it "A broad multi-racial coalition dedicated to musical excellence." Then it read: "Don’t mock it though; I watch this often for inspiration!" Oh god. This is much more difficult than I thought it would be.

Ahem. Look straight ahead and don't laugh.

Ladies and Gentlemen: We Are The World.

This one wasn't sent to me by a friend, but is dedicated to my friend Kenny G., who last night made fun of me for admitting my love of Journey. This video is a literal version of Separate Ways by Journey. And it is fucking hysterical.

One amazing fella sent me an email reminding me about how great these "Auto Tune the News" videos are. As always, he is correct. Here's one.

Smartypants is one of my favorite City Hall folks. He's funny, completely adorable and sends me videos from time to time. Here's his submission for this week: the Slapchop Rap. Surprisingly catchy!

I can't write about videos from my friends without mentioning my BFF, Beth. Go HERE to see what we did last Friday night. Isn't she great!?!? And the Beths were nice enough to put me and Sean in the video (he's the philosopher in a suit). Her Sarramonte Mall line had me rolling...

And of course (and because I know my Mom and Dad love 'em) here's a little critter sweetness to send you into the weekend...

Have a great weekend y'all!!

--Melissa

Friday Videos will usually order the hummus.

Constant Readers,

As my Facebook friends know, one of my favorite people in the world is visiting me right now. His name is Sean and we've been friends for a bajillion years. We're both on our computers right now and he just said, without even looking up, "Remember when you wanted to be a locksmith?"

Yeah, dude. I remember. And goddamit, I'm cracking up because I haven't thought about that in ages.

When his douchebag best friend broke my heart when we were in college, he managed to still be there for me. 

When 9/11 happened while we were both living in NYC, we spent three weeks drinking and talking in various Manhattan dive bars. 

When things were getting a little out of hand at work about a year ago, I stayed at his house for a week (during this visit he told me about Two Girls, One Cup - a milestone in my life if there ever was one). And after picking me up from the airport, on the way to his house, he casually mentioned for he first time that he had a roommate.

"Who?," I asked.

The douchebag.

WHAT!?!?!?!?

THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call funny.

Obviously, I love him.

He's helping me pick out videos today. And he showed me this website, which made me snort at least twice.

I was answering an email from my friend at KPIX, and mentioned it to Sean, who responded "KPAX? That is cinema of note!"

And so, I give you the trailer for KPAX.

In this video, Kenneth the Page tells you how to get free drugs.

Jack McBrayer in Livin' 'Neath The Law: Episode 1 from Jack McBrayer

The Comments Section of SFGate on the story about Chris Daly's purchase of a home in Fairfield has been the subject of more emails and text messages than the underlying move. Oh, politics! It could be worse, though. As this video shows - a vigorous game of hand jive obviously went awry...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The committee gave this video the thumbs up. Two dudes with cool accents and huge cajones visit John Yoo's classroom...

Chris Matthews makes me a little crazy sometimes, but if anyone needs to be on the receiving end of his assault, it is the Birthers.

And speaking of right-wing crazies...I haven't heard the proper use of the word "Dangnabit" in far too long.

Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

"Ever seen one of the GI Joe public service announcements?," he said. I clapped and demanded to see!! Here's one:

And now, The Onion addresses the sad 80-year boycott of L.L. Bean by black people.

African-American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

Finally, here's some love for your weekend. Sean's take: "Um, that's weird." His suggestion? A video we found of a cat massaging some woman's boobs. (Sigh.) Here's a puppy doing a headstand.

Okay, he also liked this one.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

--Melissa

Friday Videos will not resign

Constant Readers,

Yesterday, I spoke at the City Club about local politics, state politics and general gossip. It was a blast and I met lots of great people. Many thanks to them for having me!

On to the fun!

One of my friends sent me this video. The accompanying note said "soundbite heaven" and I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean. Until I saw it. Here it is. Wow! It's a tragic story but I can't deny that the quotes are inadvertently hilarious.

In local politics, Scott Wiener announced his candidacy for District 8 Supervisor via YouTube. Nice! Here's the video!

So, Sarah Palin resigned from office because people were being mean to her and she's too much of a patriot to let that continue. Or something like that. Here are the guys from Red State update explaining this brilliance.

And on the subject of Palin, here's a really funny video envisioning an event planner truly angered at this development.

Hitler Finds Out Sarah Palin Resigns - watch more funny videos

Objections to the Iranian elections made widespread use of social networking. What if Ahmadinejad were tweeting too? Here's a look.

News from Iran : Ahmadinejad Tweets Back - watch more funny videos

On the non-political side, here are Match.com ads for the "parents" on John and Kate Plus 8.

Here's Kate:

Kate Gosselin Match.com Profile Video - watch more funny videos

And John.

Match.com-Jon Gosselin - watch more funny videos

You may have heard about this one. Musician goes on United Airlines and watches in horror from the window as the baggage handlers throw shit around, breaking his guitar. Though some folks at the airline admitted it was their fault, he wasn't able to get anyone to pay him for the damage. So he wrote a song that anyone who has been jerked around by an airline (read: everyone) can relate to.

And finally, a moment of wonderful to send you off into the weekend. My mother will love this one. It will remind her of the years she spent waking me up for school. I hereby apologize.

Have a great weekend!

--Melissa

Friday Videos love a good conversation at 3 a.m.

Constant Readers,

My friend, D (who is my brother from another mother) emailed me this without comment. It is the cover of this Sunday's New York Times. (To Beth - who is out of town - I'll grab you a copy!)

Wow. Um. Just. I mean...Wow.

Here's the story that follows the cover. The story itself is actually about Gavin, Jerry Brown, Meg Whitman, Steve Poizner, etc...not exactly a difficult beauty contest to win so I see why they put our Dear Leader on the cover.

Doesn't it look a little like he's a religious figure? Anyway, whether you want to throw darts at it or lick it (or both) get your copy early - I'm sure they'll be flying off the racks.

Also, there's a really amazing article this week in Rolling Stone. My friend Art alerted me to it. So, grab one of those, too. 

On to videos! 

BONUS: Okay, you are really not going to believe this. I didn't. But I think it is real. Taylor Swift rapping about being a thug. I can't embed it, so just go to the video here. I'll wait.

Back? Okay....

Several people sent me this video. Allow me to give you the (extremely abbreviated) set-up:

At Wednesday's meeting of the Budget and Finance Committee, everyone was congratulating themselves at negotiating with the Mayor's office to get $44 million in add-backs. Chris Daly pointed out that the Mayor can just refuse to spend the money on the designated projects, so the fight ain't over.

And Avalos was all: but he told me he wouldn't make cuts without consulting us. And he put it in a letter!

And Daly was all: Hello? The Mayor came to the Board several months ago and SAID he'd work with us on mid-year budget cuts for 2008-2009. And he didn't! Your letter is worthless!

And then he said this:


Ultimately, Supervisor Mirkarimi's proposal designed to give the Board leverage in mid-year reductions did not even get a second, so it was not voted on. 

So, I got some flack for writing that one should not need a prescription for medicine containing ephedrine. Well, the United States is about to let poppy farmers in Afghanistan grow their heroin flowers at will. Hysterical people can have a new cause. 

A friend sent me this joke: "In all fairness to Gov Sanford's aides, 'I'm humping some Argentinean tail' sounds a lot like 'I'm hiking some Appalachian trail' when you're on a fuzzy satellite phone." Watch as some folks take Sanford to task for his anti-gay marriage stance.

Stephen Colbert also has a great mashup of politicians who lambasted Bill Clinton and went on to cheat on their spouses - Sanford included. Bring on the hypocrisy!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Clinton Curse
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

Sanford, of course, made headlines when he tried to refuse $700 million in bailout money. Here's a video that envisions a collection of mall stores asking for bailout money. There's the Ref from Footlocker, d-bags from Ab & Fitch, and - probably my favorite - the Hot Topic guy.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How does one get to be a guest on Glen Beck's show? Write the craziest essay? Here's a dude saying that Americans have forgotten about 9/11 and need to be reminded about how mad we should be. Best way to do that? Another attack. I know don't why I continue to be amazed at his show...

In honor of this holiday weekend, here's a little something called "The Star Mangled Banner" - a collection of awesomely bad anthem singing. These are our fellow Americans. Be proud.

The Star Mangled Banner - watch more funny videos

This Daily Show moment of Zen will show you how not to handle fireworks. Rule 1: make everything as terrifying as possible. 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - Fireworks Safety Tips
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

And finally, here are six puppies playing in a little pen. This is what heaven looks like. I'm sure of it. 

Have a great holiday weekend, y'all!

-Melissa

Friday Videos will Gladly Give You the Sports Section of the Paper

Constant Readers,

Everyone is dying. Go get a check-up.

Let's start with a few unconventional tributes, shall we?

My stage name is Ed McMuffin (long story) so Ed McMahon's will go first...

Here's a seriously whacked-out Farah tribute. People be crazy.

I'm sure that, of all the gestures of love and support that are making Michael Jackson smile in heaven right now, none is more wonderful to him than this - a New Kids On The Block tribute performed at a concert in Detroit.

While we're thinking about music...this new Lily Allen song is called "Fuck You Very Much" and it's obviously not safe for work. But it could be San Francisco's theme song.

When trolling in the music section of YouTube, I found this video by Depeche Mode (who knew?) for a song called "Peace." The vid follows a female soldier who has just been discharged from the military. Powerful stuff.

On to the funny...this kid looks more like Alf than Rick Sanchez, and yet his impression is just wonderful! Excellent video...

Rick Sanchez Spoof - watch more funny videos

The Louisiana legislature decided to honor a local rapper named "Hurricane Chris" (so, there's that) who has a popular song out called "Halle Berry." (Walter still rules, though.)  They let him perform the song on the floor of the esteemed assembly floor. Ridiculous as this is - remember that at least Louisiana isn't about to have to pay it's bills with I.O.U.s. Thanks to Brit and Alex for sending me this! 

Watch Jon Stewart respond to the White House's assertion that taped interviews with Dick Cheney should be kept confidential because future V.P.s might be reluctant to be interviewed if they think the info will get out and used for fodder on The Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Cheney Predacted
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Crazytown) explains why the census is just a way for the Obama administration to collect information to be used later to round people up and put them in internment camps.

This is a tape of a gay exorcism. I don't know what to say, except: see Lily Allen video.

If you want to see more of the weirdness, go here for a longer version. 

This video is of three commercials for magic sex dust, or something. In the first video, wearing pigtails, is the younger sister of one of my best friends. I've known her since she was 12. Hehe! Go Brooke!!

VIAPREN RUSH DELIVERY AD CAMPAIGN

And finally, here's a video about a cat named Winston. Winston is basically the cat version of me. Except that he is adorable.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

--Melissa

Friday Videos are Glad to be Home

Constant Readers,

In the last few weeks, I have traveled to four cities and learned that I really don't like tapas. I've tried, y'all. I swear. But I'm just too country.  What's up with those small plates? And anyway, I don't like to share. I want a big plate of mac and cheese and some alone time to inhale it. Which may explain the breakup, now that I think about it.

Anyway  I'm glad to be home in SF, where the wine selection is generally respectable and, when, in the taxi on the way home from the airport I call one friend, another one picks up the phone and I can hear a third in the background. Much love to my little SF family.  

On with the fun!

If you don't enjoy the wonders of public comment, you should leave this site and never come back. I love our characters, but SF certainly hasn't cornered the market on great comment. Here's a video of Santa Cruz comments. Many thanks to Brock and Dewar for alerting me to this awesomeness!   

Okay, were' changing gears here for a second. As you know, there is some election fuckery going on in Iran - here's a video of a massive silent protest. Eerie. Wonderful. 

So, right before the  Shiite hit the fan in Iran, The Daily Show sent a correspondent to talk to the people who hate us. I swear, you will not be disappointed if you watch this. It may be one of their best segments yet. When he gives the cigarettes to the little girl, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Who doesn't love a little Marlboro-child action? 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jason Jones: Behind the Veil - Minarets of Menace
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

One would think Babs has been in office long enough to not be insecure about this sort of thing. Frankly, I don't like being called "Ma'am" either (especially by the JV tranny muppets at Sephora) but people call male Senators "sir" all the time. Still, I always love a little bitchitude. Say it, sister.  

This statement is a punchline by itself: Sean Hannity declares the journalism is dead.

Honestly, there are some videos that I can watch over and over again. Only, like, three of them, though. Here's one of them. Natalie Portman rapping. I love her more each time I watch.

 

So, Obama killed a fly. Stop the fucking presses! Though I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought of Karate Kid when I heard about it.

I won't ruin this one by explaining it. Just watch. It's safe for work, but put down your beverage.

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

And finally, much love to my friend who sent me a link that he knew damn well is crack for someone like me. You can see pics like this (baby otters - WANT!!!) there:

 

Argh!! GO already! NOW!  It's here!

And have a great weekend, y'all!!

-Melissa

Friday Videos Love the Sam's Restaurant Crew

Constant Readers,

The third installment of the gay marriage/supreme court trilogy is finished but since I promised you that we'd get back to Friday videos, I'll put that up next week. 

Here's Jon Stewart on Obama's recent speech in Egypt. 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Looking for Comity in the Muslim World
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Economic Crisis

I've put up the first two videos in this series and here's the last installment of Casual Sex - about a pregnant woman trying to have a one night stand. Crude and unacceptable, but hella funny.

Casual Sex Episode Three: Positions from Andrea Savage

This is an awesome little movie from Pixar. Yay, bunny!!

The liberal's iPhone apps. My friend has the shotgun app and I love it!! 

Liberal's iPhone - watch more funny videos

Dick Cheney admitting there was no connection between Al Qaeda and Iraq.

I can't embed Mark Fiore's videos, but you should go here and watch his latest piece on California's government.

Many thanks to DJTennessee for bringing this movie tralier to my attention. It's for Bad Lieutenant and it's pretty carazy.

The police put some dude's picture on teevee and said he's a "person of interest" in the rape of an 11-year-old girl. Dude is prmoptly beaten by angry mob.

And finally, I could not believe this video! When this dude starts singing, the puppies go right to sleep. Awesome!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

-Melissa

Friday Videos will not steal your Red Vines. Ok, maybe one or two.

Constant Readers,

Allow me to take this pre-video moment to make two quick points:

1) I wrote a few weeks ago about the fact that, when talking about disaster emergency preparedness, the Board kept referring to the NERT program. I made fun of of the name of the NERT program, but let me clearly state: it is great. We should all be certified NERTs, especially since earth-whisperers with complicated laser machines think we will experience a shit-shifting situation soon.

There. Okay, NERT people? Please don't be mad at me anymore. My emergency kit contains half a pack of Camels, a box of Ju-Ju Bees and some No-Doz. I won't last long without your help.

2) Bay 2 Breakers is coming up on May 17, and I think there is still some confusion about what level of debauchery is acceptable. This official-looking website purports to know the rules. Drunk-running is fine, but "Please don't pee in the streets, okay?"

Let's start in our own backyard as Supes tell us to vote in the May 19 election. You know how to get people who are too disillusioned, apathetic or bored with politics to vote? Get politicians to ask them. Then await the stampede at the polls. 

Locally, the gun show at Cow Palace sported record-breaking ammo purchases by people whose crazy uncles told them that "that foreigner" Obama is going to take away their guns and gun accessories. Here's a parallel argument by some RePUGlicans against DemoCATs. Liberal references to testicles may make this not safe for work. But hella funny. 

For some reason, I can't embed from Barely Political without messing up this whole page, so here's the link.

Representative Michelle Bachmann (R-Crazytown) talking drrrty about the economy...quotes include: "We have seen an orgy… The government spent its wad."

Parody of Joe Biden talking about swine flu. Please, oh please watch.

Again with the embed problem. Here's the link. Just click - it's worth it!

I would opposite marry Jon Stewart in a second. Here's him discussing gay marriage, Marion Barry and morals. 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Gaywatch - Marion Barry
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

And in non-political videos, I was looking for a different video when I saw the title of this one:  "Rick Astley, Samantha Fox, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson - Together Forever." On April 10, 2009!! It starts out with Rick Astley carrying around underwear that someone has thrown on stage. Um, wow. Sad, funny, bizarre, sad, weird, and off-key. 

A friend who obviously understands my lowbrow sense of humor sent this to me. Just try to watch it only once. You can't. No one can.   

So apparently, there's a new thing that the kids are into these days - they take a video and sound of a cat playing the keyboard and use it to highlight embarrassing moments. Here's an example.

So, yeah, this is now the soundtrack to my life. More examples here and here.

Have a great weekend!

-Melissa